Life is complicated.

I say all the time that all I truly want is "the simple life." I own a home (that I'm not living in at the moment because of the death of my mother earlier this year,) I have a college degree, and a wonderful family. I adore my family and firmly believe none of us would have made it this far without one another. I have been busier than I ever remember the last few months and some days I feel like I've got a great momentum going. Then other days I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Today is one of those days. I just can't sort things out in my head.

I'm officially no longer the Assistant Manager of the hotel. This is a relief and a little sad simultaneously. I've been there over three years. I've put in a lot of hours and met some amazing people there. I've also wanted to pull my hair out and very purposefully smack the ever-lovin' out of some people. I didn't leave on bad terms; I left to help my dad get his business back on track since it has grown so much and things got so out of sorts when Mom died. Things there are getting better. The office is functional and I like that it's finally organized. Now I've got bigger, dirtier, more complicated fish to fry. I'm nothing if not a good organizer...but I'm a woman in a very man-ish world there and some of the men don't take too kindly to my presence. It's causing a bit of a stir, but I don't care much. I want to see my father be successful and if my presence causes some 50 something year old man to be intimidated, then he probably isn't doing his job. I have made a difference. And I'll continue to do so.

I've also been working out like crazy. I've fallen in LOVE with Zumba and Hip Hop Hustle classes. I've lost a grand total of 24 lbs so far and I'm loving it. Working out and singing are the only two things keeping me sane right now.

I'm enjoying the company of a certain someone. We talk a lot about life and past successes and failures. We talk about how we envision the future and sometimes it seems as though we both long for the same things. We laugh a lot. We have fun with the smallest things, like making dinner or saying we're going to watch a movie and end up talking for 3 hours instead. We share secrets and dreams and know things about each other that no one else does. But it's scary. One step at a time, I suppose.

Life is just so complicated. Even the simple life is hard to track down sometimes.

Enjoy it as it comes, remember it as it goes, and never ever take it for granted. Life is beautiful and far too short, even on the bad days.

I wish

I wish people understood how hard it is to go on.
I wish they knew how badly it hurts.
I wish they could feel, just for a brief moment, how much I want to just curl up in the dark and hide from the world and just hurt in peace. But I can't. There are too many things to do. Too many people depending on me to make things happen. Too much work. Too many papers. Too many people. Too much. Too much to handle.
I wouldn't wish the hurt on my worst enemies, but I wish people knew. I wish they knew when I was laughing and trying my best to stay busy and productive, that I'm still hurting so much that I don't think I can go on. I wish the holy knew how their actions have affected my family. And how much I want to hate them for it. My heart won't let me hate them, but God how I wish I could. Instead I feel sorry for them because they're missing out on so much by putting on a show. People can say what they want about me or my family. But they can never say we're fake. We are who we are and we love people. Even the ones who hurt us. My parents have always loved to a fault. They've always helped people when they couldn't even make do for themselves. Those same people will have to live with the knowledge that they've scarred a wonderful man and if my mom was still alive, she'd be pissed. The realization that people are hateful and hurtful and spiteful and hypocritical is so painful. On top of the suffering of losing Mom it is overwhelming at times. We will move on. We will find a way to grieve and grow and will continue to love each other in spite of our flaws.
I've never claimed to be perfect. Or anything close to it. My heart yearns to be better. To love people in spite of, or BECAUSE of our differences. To overlook faults and idiosyncrasies and enjoy the beauty of life. To be in love like my parents loved. To share life with those around me who deserve my best. To go on an adventure. To embrace my quirks and love myself in spite of myself. To honor my mother's memory a little every day.

The Last Few Weeks...

So, as anyone who follows this blog surely knows by now, 2011 has been a very challenging year for my family. I've encountered struggles I never imagined and have experienced both peace and heartache that far outreach anything I've ever known. Every single thing in my life has changed but I'm grateful to be able to say that not all the changes are bad.

Losing my mom has been horrific. I miss her so much. It still doesn't feel real. Sometimes I hear a song, or see a commercial or even a flower that reminds me of her. She was wonderful and funny and beautiful and a treasure to my heart. She loved her family more than anything and there's a void left by her death that no one and nothing will ever fill. She also left a legacy of which we are all very proud.

I've also had some wake up calls in other areas of my life. I've had yet another realization that not all people are honest. I don't know how long it's going to take me to learn this lesson. I feel naive and it makes me angry at myself for ever believing in people to begin with. I know (I hope) that someday I'll meet someone who's truly WORTHY to be trusted and that it happens before I get so jaded that I close completely off. I can tell that I'm so much more jaded than I was 2 years ago. I hate that. I want to be open to love but I also am sick to death of people taking advantage of that openness. There's a fine line and I'm not sure I've found it just yet. I know I'm capable of having a successful relationship. I have what it takes to love someone 100%... I just can't find that one that deserves everything I have to offer.

My job situation has also changed. While I didn't think I'd be at the hotel forever... I didn't anticipate the change happening quite the way it did. Now, for the first time in forever, I'm not getting a steady paycheck... but also for the first time in forever, I don't truly dread going to work. I'm enjoying helping Dad out with his company and I'm REALLY enjoying the creativity that is being afforded me by my new adventure with Dawn and her catering business. I am so excited for the future and what may come of it all. I'm also singing. I love this. I feel so much creativity and power in my life right now and I hope that it hangs around. I'm so excited for my first performance with the band in just a few weeks. Keep an eye out for news on that front. :)

Life has taken a complete 180 in every possible aspect. I've hurt. I've laughed. I've sung. I've cried. I've worked harder than I've ever worked. I've felt like I didn't have another step in me and yet I've continued on. I know Mom's watching. I hope I can do something to make her proud in 2011. I love you, Mommy!

Life Changed Forever

The morning after my last post, I got the phone call that would change my life forever. My dad called and said he and my brother were taking my mother to the hospital with what we thought was just a really bad stomach virus. IV fluids, maybe some antibiotics, a night or two at the hospital and we'd be back to normal. Or so we thought.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011 is a day I will never forget. I got to the hospital just in time to see them loading my mother into a wheelchair and through the doors of the ER. I could tell by looking at her she was desperately ill. None of us were prepared for what happened over the course of the next 8 days. I watched as they worked feverishly on her and worried as I watched her blood pressure begin to drop. The doctor came in and told us she was very, very sick and needed to be in ICU for a few days. We still didn't realize the magnitude of the storm that was brewing around our little family. We raced to get home and gather a few items and I stood on my porch as I watched the helicopter fly my mother to United Hospital Center in Clarksburg. While at UHC it was determined that she had acute pancreatitis. The severity of the illness baffled the doctors.

40 some hours with no sleep and my mother was being flown AGAIN. This time from UHC to Ruby Memorial in Morgantown. Daddy and I were already exhausted, Brad was doing the driving and Mom was fighting for her life. By 9 pm that Tuesday night she was on a ventilator and by 3 am she was in yet another ICU. Daddy and I drove on to Morgantown on Wednesday morning. Mom was awake but seeing her in that condition broke my heart. The next few days are a blur. Wednesday night they told us we didn't have much hope of recovery. Thursday morning she was awake, alert, even wrote notes to us. By Thursday night she was sedated and paralyzed. Friday it was emergency surgery to relieve the pressure in her abdomen - acute renal failure - lungs failing - but we had hopes that the surgery would change all that. It did not.

Daddy and I came home on Saturday to rest and take care of some things around the houses. Her condition did not improve at all Saturday and on Sunday morning they said she had actually taken a small step backward. The surgeons had warned us that any steps backward could be fatal. Her blood pressure began to require more assistance again. Her O2 levels required more support. By Sunday night they'd began warming her with heated, air filled blankets and had given even more blood pressure meds. They told us they wanted to start dialysis. Again, we thought this would help. Daddy gave them permission to do the dialysis and we headed back to Morgantown on Monday.

Monday brought the worse news. Her condition was continuing to deteriorate. She was on 100% oxygen, dialysis, bp meds, multiple other medications, had been given 2 units of blood and was so full of fluids she was literally unrecognizable. Monday was an excruciating day. We asked to meet with the doctors. Dr. Abe told us that Mom had over 8 points on the scale that measures mortality rates with sepsis and pancreatitis. Her chances of survival were about 5% and her chances of a normal life were just about nothing. They told us we could keep her alive as long as we wanted, but that we were no longer saving her life, but prolonging her death. Monday night was a horrible night. Lots of phone calls, people making travel arrangements, and bracing to say goodbye. It was the hardest 24 hours of my life but we knew it had to be done.

Tuesday came and the Ethics committee met with us first thing. Based on Mom's testimony, her wishes, and their knowledge of her medical condition, they fully supported our decision to withdraw care that day. Surrounded by her friends and family, Mom went home at 4:03 pm on Tuesday, February 22, 2011. Heartbroken, but relieved her suffering was over, we began to make arrangments for her services. The entire week is a blur. The services were beautiful. 300+ people came to pay their respects, support our family and celebrate Mom's life. We couldn't have asked for anything more beautiful, more fitting, or more appropriate. Sunday we placed her earthly shell in a peaceful spot on the family land.

I miss her so much. She was a beautiful, courageous, amazing woman. I hope that someday I'll be half as tough as she was. She and Daddy shared many wonderful years and there's a void that can never be filled in our family, in our hearts and in their home. Our only comfort is knowing that goodbye is not forever and we will see her again someday. I love you... I hope you're saving my spot!

No Regrets.

Admiration

I have the best friends on the planet. I'm sure of it. I also have the most diverse group of friends I've ever seen. I have a lot of respect for my closest friends and there are things about each of them I admire greatly. Here are a few, in no particular order (and I'm not naming names for fear of leaving someone out.)

You always have been able to make me laugh. No matter what's going on... I know I can count on you for a smile.

I admire your energy.

I appreciate that you never complain. About anything. Ever. I am determined to become more like this.

You never have a negative word to say about anyone. Again, something I wish I could say about myself. You're so patient and kind hearted. The world would be a better place if more people were like you.

You're always uplifting.

You mean it when you say, "Call me if you need anything."

You've taken on responsibility that would have never been expected of you, and even though it doesn't always make life easy... you're making someone else's life better by your actions. I respect you for that.

You are yourself 100% of the time - even when people don't like it. You've taught me to be a stronger person and more comfortable with who I am than anyone I know.

You have the most generous, giving spirit.

You know exactly where you're supposed to be in life and you appreciate the blessings that you've been given. You're patient and gentle and so sweet. This makes you one of the most beautiful women I know.

You love your friends unconditionally.

You're not swayed by public opinion.

You're one of the hardest working people I know.

You're a phenomenal mother.

You're a fantastic father.

You've overcome some of the most tragic heartbreak I've ever witnessed and you're a stronger man because of it.

You can engage in debate without resorting to name calling, belittling or berating.

You're full of creativity and it's beautiful.

You've all inspired me in ways that I cannot fully express.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you most of all for being you.

I love you.

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you." - Oscar Wilde.

It's the $4 fish that matters most.

A few nights ago I was talking with my oldest and closest friend. We were talking about Christmas and how people spend so much money on gifts and a lot of people really don't consider the true meaning of Christmas or whatever other winter time holiday they may celebrate. She told me something about her son's gifts that really struck a chord with me and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. The comment went something like this: "We got Kaden a fish from Santa. I know of all the money we've spent this Christmas, that four dollar fish is going to be the only thing that matters."

Something to consider this holiday season: What are the "four dollar fish" in your life? What are the things that truly matter most? When all the glitter and tinsel and paper and bows are long forgotten; when the shiny, expensive toys and designer shoes and handbags are out of style or faded and worn and shoved in the back of a closet to be forgotten - what are the things that get you through? What is it that truly makes you happy each day? What makes it worth dragging yourself away from the comfort of your warm, soft bed each morning?

My four dollar fish are:

1. My family - Without them I truly would have never made it this far.
2. My friends - I've got some of the best on earth and wouldn't trade them for anything!
3. Laughter - Do any of you have a private joke with a close friend that will always get you to laugh uncontrollably? Laugh until it hurts. It's good for your soul.


I challenge each of you to think about your four dollar fish this holiday season. I hope that we can all look passed the fluff and stress of the holidays and find true Joy that lasts all year.

Much love,

B.

What I am. What I am not.

I've come to a lot of realizations about myself lately. I realize that I am the following things:

* I am easily caught up by things that I can't do anything about. I get nearly obsessive over the way that people handle situations and things that they say. I've learned that people are generally selfish and self-serving. It may sound cynical, but I'm learning that it does very little good to try to "be there" for people because they rarely (if ever) return the favor. People in general do not consider anyone but themselves, their own feelings and their own agenda. I am learning that I shouldn't expect people to react to situations and in situations in the same manner in which I would and I probably shouldn't allow myself to get so upset when people don't respond with character and integrity.

Now, I'm not saying I always react as I should. But, I try very hard to treat people with respect, to honor their wishes, and to respect their boundaries. I try to consider how I would hope that someone would handle a situation if the tables were turned. I don't understand why people don't consider the ramifications of their actions before they act or speak. We never know who may hear us, who may see us, and what they are facing when they see us.

* I am wildly insecure. I realize this may be a shocking revelation to many because I've been told so many times how confident and strong I am. I suppose there are things in which I am secure and confident but very many more in which I am not. I am very unsettled about relationships. I look for constant reassurance in my relationships. I need continual affirmation that the person is with me because they truly want to be. I need to hear that they find me attractive, or smart, or that my hair looks good, or my butt looks good, or whatever. I don't know why I am this way. I've always gotten praise for my brain and my academic achievements - but I've always SUCKED at relationships and I've always been uncomfortable with my looks. Over the last year and a half, I have gained *some* confidence, but I still find myself seeking those compliments and feeling that insecurity. Perhaps with time this is something that will change.

* I am not okay with -ists. People who think they are better, smarter, more highly evolved, more loved by our Creator, or more deserving of anything because of their skin pigmentation, their cultural heritage, their hair texture, their family structure or anything else. We all aren't "equal" in our abilities but we should all have the same opportunity to pursue whatever it is we choose in life. No one should be obligated to make sure we all succeed, but we should be allowed to try. Even if we fail, the experience lasts a lifetime.

* I am not ok with people who put on an air of Super Christianity when they are (and most people KNOW they are) the most vile, stubborn, back-biting, back-stabbing, black-hearted people on the planet. Don't claim Christ if you're going to treat people like trash. Jesus loved people. He died for the people he loved. If Jesus treated people the way most "Christians" treated people, we would all be doomed for eternity. God knows we are all sinners. God knows we all screw up. Is it more of a sin to be yourself or to hide your true nature behind a veil of hypocrisy? God knows the very number of hairs on your head and yet you think He doesn't know you gossip about your neighbor or so-called best friend just because you hit the church pew 3 times a week? You think He doesn't know you look at porn behind your spouse's back because you don't have any tattoos or piercings? Cloaking your sin with the attitude of the Pharisees doesn't make it any less sinful. We need to be real. We need to understand that love covers a multitude of sin and there are none righteous, no, not one.

Anyway, I've been working on this for about 3 hours now, off and on, and I'm now bored with it. :) You may have been bored from the jump. But it's cathartic for me. So shup. I may come back and finish it later. Probably not.

Much love,

B