I've come to a lot of realizations about myself lately. I realize that I am the following things:
* I am easily caught up by things that I can't do anything about. I get nearly obsessive over the way that people handle situations and things that they say. I've learned that people are generally selfish and self-serving. It may sound cynical, but I'm learning that it does very little good to try to "be there" for people because they rarely (if ever) return the favor. People in general do not consider anyone but themselves, their own feelings and their own agenda. I am learning that I shouldn't expect people to react to situations and in situations in the same manner in which I would and I probably shouldn't allow myself to get so upset when people don't respond with character and integrity.
Now, I'm not saying I always react as I should. But, I try very hard to treat people with respect, to honor their wishes, and to respect their boundaries. I try to consider how I would hope that someone would handle a situation if the tables were turned. I don't understand why people don't consider the ramifications of their actions before they act or speak. We never know who may hear us, who may see us, and what they are facing when they see us.
* I am wildly insecure. I realize this may be a shocking revelation to many because I've been told so many times how confident and strong I am. I suppose there are things in which I am secure and confident but very many more in which I am not. I am very unsettled about relationships. I look for constant reassurance in my relationships. I need continual affirmation that the person is with me because they truly want to be. I need to hear that they find me attractive, or smart, or that my hair looks good, or my butt looks good, or whatever. I don't know why I am this way. I've always gotten praise for my brain and my academic achievements - but I've always SUCKED at relationships and I've always been uncomfortable with my looks. Over the last year and a half, I have gained *some* confidence, but I still find myself seeking those compliments and feeling that insecurity. Perhaps with time this is something that will change.
* I am not okay with -ists. People who think they are better, smarter, more highly evolved, more loved by our Creator, or more deserving of anything because of their skin pigmentation, their cultural heritage, their hair texture, their family structure or anything else. We all aren't "equal" in our abilities but we should all have the same opportunity to pursue whatever it is we choose in life. No one should be obligated to make sure we all succeed, but we should be allowed to try. Even if we fail, the experience lasts a lifetime.
* I am not ok with people who put on an air of Super Christianity when they are (and most people KNOW they are) the most vile, stubborn, back-biting, back-stabbing, black-hearted people on the planet. Don't claim Christ if you're going to treat people like trash. Jesus loved people. He died for the people he loved. If Jesus treated people the way most "Christians" treated people, we would all be doomed for eternity. God knows we are all sinners. God knows we all screw up. Is it more of a sin to be yourself or to hide your true nature behind a veil of hypocrisy? God knows the very number of hairs on your head and yet you think He doesn't know you gossip about your neighbor or so-called best friend just because you hit the church pew 3 times a week? You think He doesn't know you look at porn behind your spouse's back because you don't have any tattoos or piercings? Cloaking your sin with the attitude of the Pharisees doesn't make it any less sinful. We need to be real. We need to understand that love covers a multitude of sin and there are none righteous, no, not one.
Anyway, I've been working on this for about 3 hours now, off and on, and I'm now bored with it. :) You may have been bored from the jump. But it's cathartic for me. So shup. I may come back and finish it later. Probably not.
Much love,
B
