I wish people understood how hard it is to go on.
I wish they knew how badly it hurts.
I wish they could feel, just for a brief moment, how much I want to just curl up in the dark and hide from the world and just hurt in peace. But I can't. There are too many things to do. Too many people depending on me to make things happen. Too much work. Too many papers. Too many people. Too much. Too much to handle.
I wouldn't wish the hurt on my worst enemies, but I wish people knew. I wish they knew when I was laughing and trying my best to stay busy and productive, that I'm still hurting so much that I don't think I can go on. I wish the holy knew how their actions have affected my family. And how much I want to hate them for it. My heart won't let me hate them, but God how I wish I could. Instead I feel sorry for them because they're missing out on so much by putting on a show. People can say what they want about me or my family. But they can never say we're fake. We are who we are and we love people. Even the ones who hurt us. My parents have always loved to a fault. They've always helped people when they couldn't even make do for themselves. Those same people will have to live with the knowledge that they've scarred a wonderful man and if my mom was still alive, she'd be pissed. The realization that people are hateful and hurtful and spiteful and hypocritical is so painful. On top of the suffering of losing Mom it is overwhelming at times. We will move on. We will find a way to grieve and grow and will continue to love each other in spite of our flaws.
I've never claimed to be perfect. Or anything close to it. My heart yearns to be better. To love people in spite of, or BECAUSE of our differences. To overlook faults and idiosyncrasies and enjoy the beauty of life. To be in love like my parents loved. To share life with those around me who deserve my best. To go on an adventure. To embrace my quirks and love myself in spite of myself. To honor my mother's memory a little every day.
