My mom has been dead now for 26 months. Life has gone on in those months and some really wonderful things have happened. Some really crappy things have happened, too... but that's to be expected, I suppose. Some things have happened recently for which I just really wasn't prepared and I'm sort of surprised at myself in their wake.
One of my dearest and best friend's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day after the second anniversary of mom's passing. The family was rocked by the diagnosis. As he was reaching his final days, another very close friend of ours suffered a life-threatening illness. Watching not one, but two families suffer endless days and nights of uncertainty and pain devastated me in a way that I couldn't have imagined. My heart ached literally as much as it did while I was watching my own mother deteriorate and die. For a week, I didn't sleep. I couldn't focus. All I could do was hurt for my friends and anxiously watch Facebook for updates every few minutes. Thankfully, one family received a miraculous healing and their father is now home and recovering. I am certain we all witnessed a true miracle of God in their lives and I am so grateful and happy for them. As I saw the updates, I caught myself feeling something other than true joy for my friends. I was jealous.
Why was it that their family received a miracle and mine received such loss? Why were they rejoicing and we never got the chance? Why were they taking their father home when we had to put my mother in the ground? I wrestled with these thoughts and then I got mad at myself for feeling that way. I would never wish the pain of losing a parent on anyone, nor would I wish the pain of burying a spouse on anyone and I really WAS thrilled that he was healing... but I was mad that Mom never did get better. I wondered if we just didn't pray hard enough... or if OTHER people just didn't pray hard enough...or if God loved their family more than mine. I was hurting SO badly and I was SO angry at myself for it. I quickly understood how people come to blame God and be angry with Him for circumstances in life that are beyond our control. Don't misunderstand. I'm NOT angry with God. I'm just still grieving the loss of my mother and I didn't realize just how unfinished that process apparently is. It's amazing to me how fresh emotional wounds can feel in an instant.
I spent last night talking with my friend as she sat by her father's side. I sobbed as she kept me updated on his vitals and prayed for peace for her and her family as his soul prepared to cross over. We knew it would just be a matter of hours before he passed. I cried for hours until I finally fell asleep sometime in the very early morning hours. Her father went home this morning. His pain and suffering has ended...but the grief process hasn't even begun for her. I now know just how long of a road it really is. I'm not sure it ever really has an end. That's a scary thought.
I am blessed to know a woman who is as strong and passionate toward her family as this friend. She dropped everything to care for her father in his last weeks of life. She took no mind for her own health, finances, wants, needs, etc. She was a shining example of what a daughter should be in those moments. I hope she knows how proud her daddy was of her and how she showed her children the definition of love by being there as he slipped away from this world.
As mother's day is upon us, I'm reminded every second of my mom. I'd give anything to see her again. To talk to her. To hold her hand. To hear her laugh. I miss her so much. I know she's happier now and that her body and mind can no longer cause her pain....but oh how my heart aches in her absence. Life does go on, but it's never, ever the same. So please, if you have your mother, please hug her tight every chance you get. Don't let anger or resentment build between you. Don't let things go unsaid. I'm so blessed that my mom stressed the importance of keeping relationships strong. Because of her wisdom, we were able to say goodbye to her without apologies and without regret.
I love you Mommy. I hope Heaven is everything you dreamed it would be and so much more. I miss you. Happy Mother's Day. And T, I'm so proud of you. I'm so sorry for your hurt. There are no words that will help, but trust that God will carry you through. Grief is a long road. Just know you're not walking it alone.
